Farewell, My Lovely

I said I wasn't going to do this-that when the time came I would leave blogland a grief free zone but it doesn't feel right, however, to leave something so important unsaid.

On Saturday morning, Dear Old Doggie went to heaven. I would love to say she went peacefully, carried away in her sleep on the wings of canine angels but she fought hard to stay with me up until the bitter end. With the help of our lovely lady vet she was urged to give up the battle in the kindest, most humane way possible and for that I am grateful-completely and utterly heartbroken but grateful.

 She came into my life eighteen years and three-almost four months ago. Answering an ad, I went to buy a dog and I came home with a hamster. I thought I had been cheated. Within weeks I had her in front of our lady vet in tears because this was no dog like I had ever known. She was temperamental and demanding. She didn't listen. She was plain awful and I wanted to give her back. The nice lady vet assured me I would change my mind and she was right. I fell in love.
Nine months ago they said she hadn't much time left. Since then her wish was my command and it hasn't been easy juggling real life while providing round the clock hospice care. I haven't slept more than two hours at a time since I can remember. The care for her heart condition was overwhelmingly complex and exhausting but I don't regret a single minute. I would gladly endure years more as long as she remained happy and comfortable which she wasn't on her last long, painful night.

When it was all over, the nice lady vet congratulated me on making it eighteen years with her because from day one there was never a sicker or more accident prone animal. Her chart looked like a telephone directory. If dogs got it-she had it. She went blind eight years ago and that really sealed the deal. Her complete dependency on me only made me love her more.  I'll never forget our last disagreement. A few weeks ago I wanted to watch Lawrence of Arabia and she wanted to go to bed. For four hours I ran back and forth, putting her to bed and then trying to sneak back into the living room. Much to her unhappiness, I made it to the end of the movie but I have no idea what it was about. I am not ashamed to say that the tiny little thing ran my life. Now I have no idea how my life is supposed to go on without her. The bed is too big, the couch looks enormous and the floor looks so bare without her bed and blankets.
But life goes on.......I am going to try and find some peace by imagining her on Mom's lap surrounded by all the furry and feathered family members that went before. I am not completely sure about this heaven thing but I really hope I get to see all them again some day.
In the meantime I am going to be doing a lot of walking in the woods with my good friend Josh. 

Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are my
Forever love


I wrote this post in real time but for the next week or so, in anticipation of the worst, I pre-wrote and pre-posted many now silly sounding posts on the things I had been doing while pretty much house bound during my girl's final weeks. I'll be back in real time as soon as I find my way out of this black hole. 
Thank you in advance for your condolences and kind words. I know for most of you this is a "been there, done that" subject. Your posts on the loss of your beloved pets have been such a comfort to me that I decided to go ahead and share my misery in hopes of being a comfort to someone else. If you haven't seen this one, make sure you grab some tissues first.
Give your fur babies a big hug and kiss for me tonight. Their lives are much too short for having so much to give.
A